I was a good computer programmer and a new college student.

I was trying to find the BASIC compiler and could not. Sooo... I call the operator (I did not know it was the BOFH.)

Phone rings..."Hello" BOFH

"Who is this?" Me.

"It's me I think" BOFH

No joke turkey breath. I think.

"Me Who?" Me.

"Is this like a knock knock joke?" BOFH.

I think "This guy is missing a few brain cells" [Bad assumption on my part].

"What can I do for you" BOFH.

Boy is he talking nice, must be ok after all. I think.

"Um, I want to know if we have a particular software package....?" Me.

"Which package is that?" BOFH

"Uh, B-A-S-I-C it's called." Me.

I hear >clickety, clickety< in the background. Good, the turkey is checking for it.

"Um no, we don't have that. We used to though." BOFH

That funny I say to myself, the instructor said it was on the system.

"Oh. Oh well, the other thing I wanted to know was, could the contents of my account be copied to tape so I have a permanent copy of them to save at home in case the worst happens.."

"The worst?" BOFH

"Well, like they get deleted or something..." Me.

"DELETED! Oh, don't worry about that, we have backup!. What was your username?"

I give him my username. >clikety clickety click.<

"But you haven't got any files in your account!" BOFH

What no files! I had over 30, some big, this guy is wrong.

"Yes I have, you must be looking in the wrong place!" Me.

"Oh no, I made a mistake" he say.

That right bozo breath I think. I mutter "typical operator" to myself (unfortunetly to loud).

"I MEANT TO SAY: That username doesn't exist"

"Huh? >wimper< It must be, I was only using it this morning!"

"Ah well, that'll be the problem, there was a virus in our system this morning, the... uh... De Vinci Virus, wipes out users who are logged in when it goes off." BOFH

"That can't be right, my girlfriend was logged in, and I'm in her account now!"

"Which one was that?"

I give him my girlfriends userid. Then my mind says bad move. The igno second factor.

"Oh, yeah, her account was just after we discovered the virus." >clickety clikc< "..she only lost all her files" BOFH.

"But..." Me.

"But don't worry, we've got them all on tape" BOFH

"Oh, thank goodness!!!" Me.

"Paper tape. Have you got a magnifying glass and a pencil. SEE YOU IN THE MACHINE ROOM!!!! NYAHAHAHAHAHA!"

He did what?

KILL and KILL AGAIN!

I had heard there was some one they called the BASTARD OPERATOR FROM HELL. But never believed it. Now the line had been drawn.

I got mad and put a fake program on the computer from my roomies account. You know the kind that acts like a normal screen for the log in but after the user enters the userid and password it ends and the normal login appears.

The teachers could not understand how I had such polished program and only used 80 percent of my computer time. Oh course every one else was running 150% of their allowed and hence got no higher than a "C" in the class.

Hey survival of the fittest.

The BASTARD USER FROM HELL is born.

Author: John W. Fox
HTML: Cord Beermann