Bastard User From Hell #12

Graduation had come. It was my turn to get even with the school for putting through four years of the BOFH and the BPFH.


The schools play got a roaring round of laughter when the CO2 canisters were also filled with NO2 (laughing gas).

The Dean's graduation speech got really messed up as he was reading it off the special computer screen installed on stage.

The BOFH probably wonder why he did not do it.

The Class Idiot (GPA = 1.1) was elected Validictorian.

The dorms were turned into orgy centers and classes cancelled when someone accidently ordered an aphrodeziac instead of the correct water purification chemicals for the schools water supply. (Order by computer of course). (I live off campus with a water filter on my house).

All finals had to be redone as the answers were all posted on the students e-mail. The teachers went crazy over the security breach.

The BPFH got his e-mail flooded because someone posted an add in the Gay Times, The Necrophila Times and the S&M nets saying send in msgs for possible pairing.

A list of all the gay professors and students (who had not come out of the closet) some how appeared on the right side of the newspaper front page. In addition a list of professors who were sleeping with students appeared on the left side of the front page. (The 700 Club got a copy of the paper.)

Tom called and asked me about that one. I gave him the account on the medical doctor (Dr Philips) who was supplying steriods to students. He thanked me and ask politly that I not mess things up too badly.

Tom grovelled very well. His salary went up $10K this year.

Lastly I redirected the ATT/Bell Telephone/Sprint complain number to the BOFH home phone. It took ATT/Bell/Sprint two days to undo that one. You know, .... have the work order say hard wire. HEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHE

Being the Bastard User From Hell means always getting more than even.

Two days after graduation... (everyone was recovering from the party because of the free beer)

Seems Budweiser did not realize they had a delivery until it showed up on the warehouse computer.

Being the Bastard User From Hell means getting beer cheep (free).

...... there was a knock on the door. Hank went (stumbled) to get it.

"Hi were from the government we would like to speak to Mr. John William Fox!"

Oh.. No.

Hank. "Let me see if he is in." Good going Hank as I run to the back door and look out.

Six guys in suits in the back yard and two roofers on each roof of every house around. There are four people not working on the electrical lines and six people from the water company who are not working either. Things look bleak for our hero.

Hank comes in and says "John there.."

"Yeah, Yeah, I know. I'll talk to them."

Being the Bastard User From Hell means knowing when to talk and knowing when to run.

I go in and say "Hi, I am John Fox, can I help you?"

Mr three piece suit with shades says "Funny you should ask." "You broke into a company database a couple weeks ago and got some information on say....... protecting data."

Boy these guys don't even know how to make small talk.

I say. "I was attempting to download product information concerning possible interfacing of equipment with the company I was at for future co-development project and to get a feel for the job openings at the company."

Please take the bait, Bismuth Breath.

Mr three piece suit "Yeah right!, You broke in and we have been watching you for the past week. You made 42 money transfers, 17 land title switches, traded $30 million in stocks and bonds and ordered a truck load of beer and snack from US companies."

DAMM, these spooks are good.

"So here is the deal, you give all the stuff from the US companies back. The foreign stuff we do not care about but you.. WILL.. tell us how you did it. And besides you talked about job opportunities you start in one week for a year with us!"

Damm, he didn't even ask me what salary I wanted.

I looked over at the guy on the right who was balancing a tooth pick on his left finger while standing on one leg (for the whole conversation) and over at the guy on the left who was craking brazil nuts with his thumb and pointer finger and make a quality decision.

"Where is the job at?"

Mr three piece suit... "You don't need to know that!"

"What is the salary?"

Mr three piece suit... "Enough!"

The guy on the right was balancing two tooth picks on two fingers (1/ea) and guy on left was up to two brazil nuts at a time.

"Sounds good to me... glad to be on board"

Being the Bastard User From Hell means knowing when to say yes and knowing when to say no.

Mr three piece suit said "Good.. we will send the movers over to start packing tommorrow. Mr Toothpick will pick you up in three days to get you to work and Mr Brazil Nut will stay with you to ensure your safety."

"Say What!?"

Mr three piece suit. "Oh, don't even think of running.... you can't" "Have a nice day."

Being the Bastard User From Hell means knowing when to give up a round in a fight (but not the match).

Well one year later.. (I can`t talk about it but lets just say I got one HELL of a computer education)...


Oh Mr Toothpick got a semitracker trailer full of toothpicks delivered to his house the next week.

Mr Brazil Nut got a railrod car full at his apartment.

Mr three peice suit got charged for 100 three peice suits on his VISA.

Mr BPFH (Bastard Professor From Hell) suddenly found that his protection software failed (every day and printed the test out on his students e-mail accounts). He also lost his retirement accounts and got on the IRS audit every year from here to eternity list.

Being the Bastard User From Hell means getting the last screw for the professors who screwed you.

During my year of working for Uncle Sam...

MR BOFH (Bastard Operator From Hell)... YYYEEEEESSSSSS. It seemed that for one whole year there was a message that appeared every morning on his counsole saying "This is from the BUFH. BOFH, I am coming to get you HAHA!" He was never able to find out where it came from. (You don't need to know remember).

Then I heard the BOFH got promoted to a manager.

Tom got an article about how managers at the school were wasting taxpayer dollars for bull crap. There was one manager with the first name of Simon who was singled out.

The next day every one at the newspaper was fired (BOFH)

The day later every manager at the school was fired (BUFH)

Two months later my VISA suddenly had a $1,000,000 bill. (BOFH)

The next day the national debt got credited to the BOFH's card (BUFH)

One month later the police showed up at my front door with an arrest warrent. (BOFH)

The next day a demolition crew showed up at the BOFH house (BUFH)

The warrent dissappeared about two days later. So did someone house.

Another time my car was impounded for non paying of fines (BOFH)

The next day the BOFH's car was towed to a wrecking comany and crushed for scrap. (BUFH)

Finally I was free from the government and could turn my whole energies on one person..... Yes Mr. BOFH, you.

The Nazi bulletin board got a death threat from Simon saying they were going to loose because he was Jewish and knew who they were.

The JDL got a message that Simon was trying to become the new NAZI extermination chair person.

The KKK got a message that a man named Simon was selling information concerning their bulletin boards.

The NAACP and Black Solider of Fortune and all law enforcment agencies got a message saying Simon was the leader of the ultra-radical KKK underground lynching unit.

All of his finances dissappeared.

His new car was trashed by some bikers because somehow Simon said Harleys were for sissies on the Rec.HellAngles net.

The Gay community named him public enemy number one after a newspaper article quoted him as say a few things (not repeatable here).

There were three ambulances from Shady Acres that showed up at his door. They arrived just before the SWAT team showed up to serve a warrent for illegal transportation of plutonium.


I went and messed with the spooks one more time. (VERY CAREFULLY)

The directors of the NSA / CIA / FBI got messages from a Russian computer (at least that is where it was tracked to) saying that Simon had infiltrated agencies with time bomb computer codes and that he appeared to be insane. He was a deep mole that they feared would start another war if he was not stopped and put into complete isolation with absolutely NO computer acceess (or phone, or electronic).

Since this appeared on the internal NSA / CIA / FBI secure network.

Do I have to say more.

Being the BASTARD USER FROM HELL mens always getting the best and last when it comes to REVENGE.

I am driving off into the sunset (doing 145 in the Lamboghini) with Alica by my side from our new Southern style mansion on 6000 acres of land (cost = $0.00), when some cop pulls me over.

I pay the ticket and smile as I get his name and badge number and remember I have a personal data assistance in the glove compartment.


The end.

Author: John W. Fox
HTML: Cord Beermann