I am at home after reading a bunch a people e-mail... nothing interesting, when Hank comes in.

"What do you know about the spell checker program on the school's computer?"

"Its flawed, why?" I say.

"Well Pete called in for instructions and is calling him back for some reason." Hanks says.

"I better go straighten him out.... later" I smile... so does Hank.

Being the Bastard User From Hell means showing up after the damage is done so you can be the hero.... always.

>Crash<.... What the

>Crash< Huh...

"What is going on"

"Its coming from Pete's room." Hank says.

>CRASH.. CRASH.. CRASH... CRASH... CRASH<

AAAAAUUUUUUGGGGGGHHHHHHHH.

"I am going to kill that !@#$%^&*()(*&^&^%$##@@#$#$%%^^&*( BOFH"

As we look, out runs Pete with his 9mm. Pete is on the pistol team. Pete is mad... Pete has a gun... Run pete run.. Run far from us Pete.

Hank and I look at each other then say "Ain't my problem man!"

Being the Bastard User From Hell means being other people's problem not them being your problem.

Later that evening word comes that the BOFH is in the hospital.

WHAT......NOT DEAD.... DAMM.

But this means the computer will be working fine for a couple of weeks.

So...... I get into the medical data base and remove the BOFH's medical insurance. Then I take and put in a message about infected with AIDS in both the BOFH and Bob's medical records. Then I grep on all the medical record with "AIDS" and send the results to the local sleaze tabloid. Then I go in and update Dr Philips account to show an entry from sleaze tabloids for $1000. Then I take and issue an arrest warrent for the BOFH for transportation of Biohazards. ETC. ETC. ETC. ETC.

Oh, it was grand.

In the mean time I figured out how to do land regristration via the computer.

Funny... I didn't know I owned a 800 acres of land near Lake Tahoe with a 8000 square foot custome built house.

Then I learned how to do this in Sinapore, England, Japan... need I say more.

Alica got a new penthouse in downtown Tokyo..... free.

Being the Bastard User From Hell means never paying full price for property.

I heard that Bob and Debbie broke up.... life is full of broken romances.

Oh yeah, I went to work part time at a new computer company.

What has the Bastard User From Hell gone coporate?

Only until I get the information I need. The company builds the new optical processors.

CAN YOU SAY FFFFAAAASSSSSSTTTT Computing.

The controller there was such a geek. I ended up setting up the inventory tracking and security systems.

YES... They never showed the latest greatest model that dissappeared. Neither did they show the massive amount of telecomputing that went on with other companies.

In the mean time I went and broke into some companies database that had tons of stuff on stock transfer via computer trading.

Jess... one has to own a few stocks and bonds.

Being the Bastard User From Hell means always making a profit in the stock market.

I also found some little company that had lots of stuff on encryption. Things were going fine until I saw a signature from the head of the NSA on a company memo.

Oh.. No.. the spooks.

Exit stage left.

The BOFH returned and everything slowed to a crawl... I had to be a little more careful. I am a patient man, BOFH.

Later that evening I read about some lady who commited suicide by taking the leads from her computer power supply and licking them. The police say the last number called was the school computer room.

She must have talked to the BOFH.

I just smilled as my computer reported that the IRS did not know I existed... my stock portfolio hit $100 mill.. and I owned 16,000 acres of land.

Being the Bastard User From Hell means being filthy stinking rich.

Author: John W. Fox
HTML: Cord Beermann