I had just finished redoing the furiture in the house (I wonder why) (Thank You Uncle Sam). When a rentee comes in and turn on the TV.

I am not paying much attention except when they mention the Japanese Super Model Alica Naksone would be in town.

What..... It spring.... Has the Bastard User From Hell let his hormones rule his life. Has he been bitten by spring fever. Is he interested in more than just bits and bytes. Say it ain't so!!!!

It Ain't So! OK!

Her Grand father and dad both hold high position in NTT. That means lots of BUFH opportunities. Besides some day I might get married and it would be nice if she was good looking elbow ornament.

Then they mention that her escort for the weekend would be picked by computer selection for the best representation of out fine city.

Did he say selected by computer.... welll, welll, well.

It seems that for some reason most of the "likely" candidates did not get selected.

Being the Bastard User From Hell means always winning at computer selection games.

Alica turned out to be a very nice lady. She even knew alot about computers (her minor in school). I managed to have her give me her phone number and address to keep in touch. (As if I had not already located the non-listed number, address, income statements, measurements, etc., etc.)

After that week several local companies had new subscribers to their phone systems. Each had a couple (not to many) calls to Japan a month after that. You get several so you can rotate the calling so no one get interested too much and in case one goes down.

Being the Bastard User From Hell means never having to pay a phone bill.

The next day I was in the lab making the buzzer go off at random intervals in the sysop terminal when the lead cheerleader (can you say one fine looking lady with absolutely no computer sense) walks up and says "I heard you can help me with computers."

"Yes, I would be glad to help... what is your userid please?" Me

She gives it to me..... Yes.

Then she puts in her password (slowly). Double Yes.

That another account to mess with.

I am having a good time helping her (yes I am being nice... FOR NOW) When in walks Bob.

Bob is her boyfriend.. front nose guard... 6ft 5" 248 lb of meat and very little brains.... Can you say ox.

He also is a very jellous type. How do I know... I have read his e-mail.

"What are you doing next to Debbie you pip squeek?" he says.

Pip Squeek.... did he say Pip Squeek?

"I don't let anyone get close to her." he says.

Debbie says "He was just help me with my computer homework, Bob."

"Yeah right.. probably trying to take you away." Bob says.

I say "Ohhh... your Bob.... Bob Caldolewisky.... SSAN 546-87-0958 Lives at 123-54 Medford Lane.... telephone number 256-8756."

He blinks... "Yeah"

Hey.... Information is power.

I say "I have just a couple things to say....."

"18 Feb 1993..." (no response)

"userid clsmith"

Was that a little fear I say in his eye....

"What does that have to do with anything?" Bob says.

Debbie is looking back and forth at both of us trying to figure out what is going on.

I say "Tango"

BINGO... I see fear... FEAR in his eyes. Imtimidation is so easy when you read others e-mail.

He open his mouth to say something..... nothing comes out..... YES

The Bastard User From Hell strikes again.

I say "I must be mistaken.. I confused you with some one else.. I apologize... please forgive me."

WHAT .... Has the Bastard User From Hell turned chicken and given up.. Is he letting this big ox get away with insulting him?

NOT ON YOUR LIFE!

One rule is never back a guy in a corner with his girlfriend watching, especially if he is much bigger than you.

"Yeah ok... Debbie lets go." They leave.

Now its PAYBACK TIME!!!!!!!!

I get on the computer and change all his grades to "Fs". Then I scramble his files... Then I get into the municiple utilities and shut off the water, electricity and gas to his place. Then I get on the NAACP bulleting board and overlay a picture of the KKK areamashal with his photo.

Aren't computer fun.

Then I send him a message that reads....

Dear Bob:

After our conversation this afternoon, there are a few things I wish to remind you of in case you decide to mess with me. One.. Steve.. Math test Two.. Dr Philips.. Medical treatments Three, 18 Feb 1993.. Cindy Smith.. Tango for Two and last Championship celebration... club house.. Laura.. videotape.. one copy made. Lay off.

BUFH.

Being the Bastard User From Hell means getting the last laugh... ALWAYS.

After that the football team never bothered me.. I wonder why?

On the way out I go to a lecture hall where my arch neminis the BOFH giving a lecture... This should be fun.

Some guy askes about computer privacy... BOFH says coming out of the closet

AAAAAAAGGGGGHHH

Then someone about CMS1136 userid (yes I am recording these userid) Something about alt.sex.bu....

NNGggggAAAAAAAAAGHGHGH.

After that the hall empties fast.

I do not stick around... It seems to me that I need to read some more e-mail.

Author: John W. Fox
HTML: Cord Beermann