After reading up on operating systems I got in really quickly and learned how to up the priority for my job on the queue.

Being the Bastard User From Hell means never having to wait for another users program to run.

I did not try to get superuser privileges right away. That BOFH might check and find it. He is probably watching TV.

Well, all my jobs are running just fine. Especially the one through the anonymous userid that is using the cypher cracking software on the academic records.

It is so nice to be able to give yourself an A. The problem is the professors keep changing the password on me. Not for long.

Some guy next to me complains the system is slow (not my stuff) and says he is going to call the sysop.

Am I going to tell him it is a bad idea. NOOOOOOOOOOO. Let him catch hell not me.

I listen just for kicks and grins. "Do you know why the system is slow?" he says

Pause.... "Oh"

The BOFH must have come up with a good answer. Either that or we have an idiot here.

"But my research results are due in tomorrow and all I need is one page of Laser Print." he says.

He hangs up and tries again.

Talk about stupid. If the stove is hot you do not put you hand on again just to see if it really burns.

"Oh, I'm sorry, I've got the wrong number"

Pause... I hear screaming from the phone... yeah this guy is stupid.

He drops the phone and sprints out the office.

Quickly I run over to his computer. Got to get in fast before the account is canceled. Go into that file where I keep the transfer stuff. Enter the password. Got to be quick now. Yeah start program "retire".

I have to transfer some money to a Swiss bank account using this guy userid.

I get one transfer done. It took a couple of seconds. I had the file all ready to go. Now when the police wonder who has been looting the money from that slush fund at the college they will nail this guy. Then this guy account dissappears. Perfect, no trace.

What, I am stealing from the college. Hey.. I pay my fees. I am just getting some back. NOW! Besides most police department are just now becoming computer literate. Besides I used my crappy poly sci professers id. He is the one who spouts off about political correctness. Lets see him do political correctness when his name is on as the creator of the progam. I don't want to take the fall. Hey, you can never start a retirement fund to soon you know.

Being the Bastard User From Hell means always having a retirement account.

Well back to the program that goes and monitors the sysops commands. Got to see how they work before you can counter man them.

Yeah...... done.

Some guy next to me calls in to the BOFH.

"I need more space." he says

"No, on my account stupid!"

Uh-OH. Here come the fire works. Hey this will be a good time to see if the new version of the command monitoring program works.

Boy is this guy back pedalling fast... but not fast enough.

"4Megs..... aaaaaaaaaagggghhhhHHHH"

Lets see, there is e-mail from some user. Dumb cluck gave his personal id and password to his girl friend over e-mail. Ain't monitoring programs fun.

Oh here is how he got rid of that guys memory. Lets see I will have to change this and add that other user id and give him say 0.5 MEG. What would happen if he is working on a big project at the time this command takes affect. El jerko in my English class is about to loose that essay he keep bragging about.

OOOhhhhhhhhh CCCCRRRRAAAAPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP!!!!!.

Alright.... that command worked. More memory for me to use.

Being the Bastard User From Hell means never running out of RAM.

Author: John W. Fox
HTML: Cord Beermann